Helping young adults open up to help - without making things worse
If you are a parent whose adult child is neurodivergent and not thriving, you are not alone. There are so many factors that go into this developmental stage that are outside of parents’ and young adults’ control. Just a few of many factors impacting neurodivergent young adults:
Neurodiversity awareness is loudly touted in workplaces now, but with little to no meaningful support and culture change. Most work environments are neither sensible to nor sensitive of neurodivergent nervous systems.
There are fewer obvious places of belonging for young people - it takes a good deal of initiation and creativity to find places of belonging and a lot of trial and error. Belonging is a core need for teens and young adults.
People who are currently young adults now have likely experienced a steady stream of subtle rejection in addition to more obvious ostracization or bullying. Neurodivergent people who have the ability to mask may have also experienced burnout from trying to pretend to be what others want them to be.
Neurodivergent nervous systems need a lot of care and regulation - the status quo speed of society, abundance of stressors, and lack of encouragement, knowledge and support to do the work of self-regulation leaves many young people to fend for themselves. People with dysregulated nervous systems can rapidly and unintentionally make things work by isolating or acting out in ways that contribute to more of the same negative interactions.
Many of these environmental factors have no obvious individual solutions, but it is powerful if a parent, particularly a parent who is not neurodivergent or can “pass” as neurotypical is aware of these factors and talking about them. This is a situation where a family and young people need allies and support. Therapy is one form of support, but I notice that many families have conversations about therapy that are not working.
Accepting support is a form of confrontation. It requires as a first step a taking in of the situation and its impact. Taking in a negative situation requires effort and self-regulation. We can help young adults do this hard work.
One way to help young people take in their situation is to mirror it back to them when you hear them approaching it themselves. A complaint is an opportunity. You can say, “Yes this situation is not workable. Something has to change.” And communicate that you are up to helping and hopeful that there’s something out there that can help.
We can also approach the situation in a general way. We can say something like, “I notice that you are saying you are not where you want to be in your life (or I notice that you have been suffering in X way). I feel sad seeing you stuck. Can we talk about what might be going on?”
In Collaborative and Proactive Solutions, we talk about unsolved problems. The first step in solution finding is naming the unsolved problem in an approachable, non-shaming way that everyone can get on board with. Then, ask curious questions to understand your family member’s perspective. You can then move into expressing your own position. I recommend using the language of workable/not workable, and stating your position with I statements.
If you’ve tried unsuccessfully to begin the conversation about outside support, here are some other tips. These will vary in how helpful they are depending on who your family member is and how serious their condition is:
Try to get into the mind of your family member. What gets their attention? What do they care about? What conditions are present when they are most willing and flexible?
Put mental health materials (books, websites) in accessible places so that they come accross them. Read books in front of them that might pique their curiosity.
Make emotional regulation materials (fidgets, favorite foods, outdoor activities) available or remind your family member about activities that used to help them feel good. A boost in mood can support readiness for support.
Notice small efforts and progress. Some people are more likely to take on a new challenge if they feel that their current efforts are being seen.
Let your family member know that you are stumped and are going to get some help yourself to better relate to them. Dynamics require two people to keep them going. If you change your role, they will have to change theirs. If you are supported by therapy, then therapy becomes an asset to the household, which can make it more appealing.
Use leverage and exchanges to position a step towards therapy (or some kind of meaningful change) as a way for them to get something they want. It is important not to be coercive - this will position therapy as punishment, see next.
Make sure you are emotionally regulated when you talk about therapy. Express care and concern rather than exasperation. It is very easy for people to interpret therapy as punishment, and it won’t go well if thats how they think about it. You don’t want your family member to link therapy to losing their autonomy or being forced into something yet again, because that gets the process off to a rocky start.
There are many therapeutic experiences besides therapy. Joining an interest group, getting outside more, joining a gym, being part of an online forum are all experiences that boost hope and confidence. Sometimes people need a foundation of confidence and support to approach something challenging like therapy.
Remember, you can’t make people change or engage with resources. You can only control your own communication and responses.
