OCD Rules are not boundaries
OCD is an experience of being trapped by rules. Rules about where shoes go and what to do with them after they’ve been outside. Rules about what must be reviewed when you’ve had a morally disturbing thought. Rules about when to check a third time that you didn’t run something over with the car. Rules about whether or not you can walk past a park with children, or can be left alone with your baby. It’s an internal algorithm to avoid discomfort and try to ensure deeply held beliefs, like being a good person, staying healthy, or averting conflict.
Some people feel contained and safe with rules. They feel a sense of control. But when you are missing deadlines, avoiding friends, or struggling to get through a meal, you might feel very out of control.
Rules fall short. They may be extremely difficult if not impossible to follow in certain circumstances. No matter how detailed and specific they are, they will generally meet an ambiguous situation at some point. We may see the day when AI exhausts every possible if_then statement in the world. (Honestly, that really scares me!) But for now, the human brain is just not up to that task. The world and the people in it are constantly changing.
Rules are a way to cope with the overwhelming possibility that we can always make the wrong choice. In fact, much of the time, we will never know if our choice was actually worse or better than the alternative we never picked. Rules haven’t given us certainty, but they masquerade as if they have.
Boundaries are contextual. They say: in this context, that action serves my greater goal, and I am ok with. In another context, that action does not serve me or my values, or it violates my autonomy, and I am not OK with it. Values are sometimes in conflict, and this makes decision-making very challenging. Boundaries are an engagement with this challenge.
Boundaries are not promising certainty. At their best, they deliver self-leadership. They are an opportunity appraise what is happening in a given moment, notice any urges to react, check in on values, and proceed with a decision that is likely to keep us in alignment with what matters. We are absolutely allowed to have boundaries in one context, that then shift in a different one. In fact, this process is what rules aim to help us avoid. Shifting and deciding are not disasters of mental effort that we need to be rescued from. They are a way to stay flexible when the world around us is unsteady.
If you are wanting support pivoting some of your rules to boundaries, or living a freer life in your own mind, contact me .
