Couples: Balancing Acceptance and Change
Relationships often bring to the surface an innate perpetual tension that we all wrestle with internally: the desire to accept and appreciate things as they are, and the need for things to evolve. This dialectic—acceptance vs. change—is such a difficult duality to hold, that it is inevitable for it to rise out from within each of us and play out in our relationships.
In a healthy, differentiated relationship, each person in the relationship has a role that is both clear and flexible. It is clear, in that everyone agrees to what it is, and it is flexible, in that it allows you to accept feedback, adjust to new information, and share work when that’s beneficial. When the system is disorganized (this can often happen with stress, trauma, big changes, or difficult to navigate differences), couples may start to hold their roles more rigidly. When roles are held rigidly, they tend to polarize, meaning that you and your partner take up opposite positions. If you are only able to be in a role a certain way (ie, if you take it upon yourself to be the planner, and only tolerate plans that are designed and executed in a specific way, and do not permit others to plan), then you will unwittingly encourage your partner into an equally rigid, often opposing position (for example, the person who goes along with plans, or the person who pokes holes in plans but never comes up with them unbidden).
Many couples find themselves polarized into particular rigid roles around change and acceptance. This could look like taking opposite positions around whether or not the couple can and should change some of their systems or dynamics, or whether or not either of them is changing quickly enough. This polarization can create a stuck dynamic where each person’s efforts unintentionally reinforce the other's position. The more one partner pushes for change, the more the other defends the status quo. The more one retreats into acceptance, the louder the demands for change become.
Let’s break down what each of these roles often looks like, and what it means to move toward balance.
The Role of the "Changer"
This partner is usually the one voicing dissatisfaction. They want something to be different—communication patterns, household responsibilities, intimacy, emotional expression, or time spent together. They can be imaginative and good at taking initiative. They may have difficulty relaxing or being present in the moment.
Common traits of the Changer role:
Raises concerns, initiates conversations about problems
May feel unseen or unprioritized, and may escalate their volume or intensity when change is not meeting their expectations
Can be perceived as critical or controlling
Often fears being stuck in a relationship that won’t evolve, or fears what would happen if they slowed down.
At their best, Changers are advocating for growth and mutual wellbeing. At their worst, they may act demanding, speak with criticism, and start feeling resentful. Partners of changers can start to feel insecure, defeated, and afraid. In that state, the partner may become even more avoidant and ambivalent about change.
The Role of the "Accepter"
This partner leans toward making peace with what is. They may be focused on stability, grateful for what's working, or overwhelmed by the idea of change.
Common traits of the Accepter role:
Emphasizes appreciation, minimizes conflict
Able to be present in the moment
May feel attacked or not good enough, and may become disorganized, overwhelmed, or shut down at too many change requests
Can be perceived as avoidant, passive, or unmotivated
Often fears the strain of change efforts, or that change represents rejection
At their best, Accepters bring patience and perspective. At their worst, they can become complacent or unwilling to acknowledge genuine problems. Accepters can evoke in their partner the experience of being minimized, frustrated, and stuck.
Why the Polarity Hurts
When one person is always the change agent and the other always the defender of what is, a power struggle ensues. The Changer feels like they’re dragging their partner uphill. The Accepter feels like they’re under a microscope, never quite measuring up. More time is spent in struggle, and natural inclinations towards acceptance in the changer, or change in the accepter, may be squashed due to the resistance that they feel toward their partner.
Over time, this constant struggle erodes trust and intimacy. Exhausted by conflict, the Changer may stop bringing things up because they feel dismissed. The Accepter withdraws because they feel like they can never do enough. Both end up lonely and misunderstood.
What Balance Looks Like
Balance means each partner is able to both advocate for change and practice acceptance—sometimes in the same conversation.
A balanced relationship might sound like:
“I see how hard you’re trying, and I still need us to figure out a better way to share the load.”
“I know this is uncomfortable to talk about, and I really appreciate you sticking with me through it.”
“I accept you as you are, and I believe we can keep growing together.”
In a balanced dynamic:
Each partner feels heard and respected
Change efforts are collaborative, not one-sided
Both partners exchange gratitude and acknowledgment of efforts
Judgment is replaced with curiosity and problem-solving
Other types of polarization to look out for
Once a couple has identified one form of polarization, they can start to become aware of any other present or future forms of it. Here are a few examples, and these can overlap with each other and with change-acceptance polarization:
accelerator - breaks
feeler - thinker
instigator - peacemaker
pursuer - distancer
routine maker - novelty seeker
obligation tracker - fun planner
mentor/expert - protege/learner
and many more! (humans are so creative)
Despite how limiting rigid roles feel and how resentful they make us, they are very compelling when fear is involved. If you are in a polarized role, ask yourself - what am I afraid of if I stopped doing this role? You can also be curious about what has happened in your lives and system that might be making polarization more likely.
Finding Your Way Back to Each Other
Many couples find themselves taking up rigid roles and can play them out for quite a long time before they realize what’s happening. Once you have a sense of what drives your adherence to your role, you can work with your partner to get curious about what might be happening between you, and what more satisfying, balanced roles might look like.
Here are a few steps you can take:
Name the roles without blame. “I think we’ve gotten stuck with me as the one pushing and you as the one resisting.”
Name what you like and don’t like about your role. This can help you lend your perspective to your partner and get a sense of why you’ve found yourself in your role.
Name the strengths that you lend to your role. This can start to open up some other possibilities, such as different versions of this role, or other roles that can round out your experiences.
Let your partner know what positive action of theirs could help you loosen your grip on your role. For example, “if I knew that you noticed when the house gets really messy, I could relax and feel like I don’t have to be the only one constantly scanning for things to do;” or, “If I heard ‘thank you’ when I do make an effort to change, it would help me feel less defensive when you ask for change.”
Commit to both acceptance and change. All people ultimately have to be able to do both in their lives and are capable of doing so.
Work on your vulnerabilities. This can look like the changer practicing with stillness, rest, and acknowledgment of efforts. This can look like the acceptor taking on new projects or challenges in order to build confidence with change.
Trade roles for a prescribed period of time. You can learn a lot about your partner’s persective and it can invigorate your own understanding to try out the opposite roles together. You can make this a game or infuse some humor in it if you’re able.
Partners can be incredibly creative once they relize they’ve been polarized, and there are many other potentially fruitful steps you can take together. Ultimately, long-term relationships are a constant evolution involving slower and faster moving seasons, setbacks and big pushes.
