How to tell your partner from your partner’s OCD
Your wise, loving partner, enters and altered state driven by fear, pressure, and control. You are being chased, or bombarded with questions, or demanded to more exactly do a thing you did well enough. Your once confident partner is in extreme distress, demanding reassurance that you won’t do things you never indicated you would do. More often than not, you lose your own cool, fawn and comply, react or get into a struggle with your partner, or shut down. This cycle sucks.
To slow this down, we can think about the 3 states described in so many therapeutic models. In essence they are:
State of vulnerability
State of protection
Wise state
A vulnerable feeling gets triggered, a protective strategy kicks in, and your partner is now in survival mode, not big-picture values mode. Their survival behaviors trigger your vulnerabilities and protective strategies. The cycle locks in.
When your partner has OCD, as a couple you need to figure out:
What are our vulnerable feelings and what triggers them
What does each of our protective states look like
When we are in our wise states, how do we think about our relationship? What are our shared values and how do we each want to show up?
Here’s the thing. Your partner is not the only one with a protective strategy. OCD is an intense strategy, but we all have strategies to survive, and survival behaviors are rarely, if ever, behaviors that help relationships thrive. So these 3 things you need to figure out? All couples do.
What vulnerable feelings trigger someone with OCD? It is different for everyone, but here are some common ones: fear of abandonment, not belonging, not feeling competent, confusion, surprise, guilt, shame, rejection
What does an OCD protective strategy look like? Avoidance and control. Doing things and asking others to do things that prevent a bad thing from happening, or trying to neutralize a difficult thought or experience by checking, undoing or redoing, seeking reassurance, ruminating, litigating
In their wise state, people with OCD can be anything. I see conscientious, generous, thoughtful, creative, hard-working, loving, present-minded people.
When you think you might be facing a protective state in your partner, notice and resist the urge to go into your protective state. Try:
Asking your partner how they feel
Asking what support they need
…And reflect back what you hear.
It really is that simple, but resisting the urge to react is incredibly challenging. You might not want to do this. You might feel entitled to protect yourself. You might be sitting on years of resentment. Your partner might not trust that they can be vulnerable enough to answer those questions. Here’s where you might want to get some help.
Once you can break the cycle of OCD enactment, you can begin to team with your partner. You can build some shared language about how to bring the wise state back when triggered, for each of you. Your partner can learn about their more vulnerable parts and what triggers them, and so can you. This is tough work, so if you need some support, I’m here: Schedule a free consultation
