The quest for the just right relational experience

Encouragement for autistic people who have all the surprise and disappointment they can handle

Your brain makes a detailed prediction of an interaction with someone you care about. Maybe you expect them to notice that you washed the sheets after they said they needed to be washed (and give you a big hug!). Maybe you let them know you were ill and expected a big expression of empathy and an offer of tea and release from all demands. Maybe you told them about an exciting work event and expected lots of curious questions and a mirror to your joy.

And they don’t meet your expectations. Not even close.

Surprised, again.

While it is possible to have a compassionate and wise response to this experience - read the context, re-calibrate expectations, give the person the benefit of the doubt - if you are autistic, this is not necessarily your first or easiest response. I can’t tell you how many people find this kind of surprise to be the most difficult, existentially threatening experience possible. The more important the relationship, the more emotion behind the expectation, the more specific the prediction, the bigger the storm of emotions that come around. For many, this disappointment sits upon a mountain of disappointment. It feels so lonely up there.

There is a little part in all autistic people working too hard to make sense of the world and navigate the impossible permutations of relational interactions. We just can’t get ahead of it. That part just wants a break! It wants things to be easy! For people to just GET IT! Wouldn’t that be great? I see you, little part.

I am not sure that part is going anywhere. And she does have a point. Her needs are valid. Yet. Her methods are often unsophisticated. For example, total meltdown. Hot pursuit. Litigation. Blame. I think where relationships get really stuck is when that part reaches out screaming to another person, and its intensity triggers and frightens the other person. That person is now also surprised. Two surprised adults act an awful lot like two kids if they aren’t careful.

As you practice, develop perspective, and build emotional regulation skills, you may find a way to build a relationship with that part and start to give it what it needs, slow down, and refine self-advocacy, instead of letting it loose to chase others and try to force them to “care correctly,” and then leave a wake of chaos. Parents are limited. Partners aren’t interested in parenting you. Employers don’t consider this in their job description. The insistence that they should be able to meet your expectations doesn’t make it so.

If this sounds like work you’d like support to do, check my availability and contact me here.