Taming the beast that is Regret
You may not always know it when you feel it, but it never fails to make you squirm and take notice. Self-criticism arises, desperate wishes to undo the past, an urgent impulse to apologize, compensate, and explain. You find yourself hashing and rehashing how this could have happened, grasping for an explanation. The thought that something is horribly, irredeemably wrong with you offers to solve the problem of why??? These are parts of the experience we call regret. People will go to great lengths planning, delaying decisions, triple checking, reassurance seeking, masking, avoiding, and ruminating in order to keep themselves out of this thorny experience.
I notice that sensitive, conscientious people tend to really struggle to tolerate regret. They view themselves as careful, kind, thoughtful, scrupulous, generous, and like to stay ahead of problems through careful planning. Others who struggle with conscientiousness but care deeply about their relationships and how they are viewed grow armor around their mistakes and cast regret away as soon as they get a sniff of it. Both obsessing over regret and pretending it isn’t happening are approaches that tend to backfire. But finding a balanced way of moving through this emotion can be difficult due to how much it evokes and how intensely it can be felt.
What is regret?
From a cognitive-behavioral perspective, regret is seen as the emotional response to a perceived mistake or poor choice, often accompanied by self-criticism and the belief that things could have turned out better if we had acted differently. Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) frames regret as a natural byproduct of caring deeply about our values. When our actions don’t align with what matters most, regret signals that disconnection. Evolutionary psychology notes that regret might serve a function: urging us to reflect on past decisions, it motivates us to make better choices in the future. Across these lenses, regret emerges as both a painful emotion and a potential teacher.
Regret with neurodivergence
When we add OCD to the picture, regret can be a terrifying confirmation of a feared self, such as being a careless person, a person who harms others, or a person who is insincere or lying to themselves. Regret in this frame becomes a sign of danger rather than an ordinary, if painful, emotion that serves a purpose.
If we think about regret through the hyperconnected autistic mind, we can imagine the great effort it takes to make a detailed prediction, to invest in a potential outcome, and to be disappointed, surprised and bewildered when something intended does not come close to reality. Here regret becomes part of a much larger tangled yarn ball of feelings.
Regret in someone with ADHD can touch on former experiences of rejection, correction, and being told you can never get it right. This can add shame and anger to the mix.
How we react to regret
Because regret can touch on our fears, seem to threaten our values, and impact our relationships, it is a feeling that tends to be experienced intensely. Add neurodivergence and you can see how the intensity amplifies. If you struggle to accept and regulate the feeling of regret, you are in good company.
It is important to notice the impact of common avoidance strategies for regret. These strategies include over planning, delaying or refusing to make decisions, overly padding everything you say until it has no semblance of authenticity, avoiding relationships, and many creative others. These may or may not get you out of an experience of regret, but they will cause side effects including frustration, isolation, and relationship challenges. They may in some cases lead to regrettable actions, which were avoidable were it not for the avoidance! An if you don’t practice experiencing regret, you never get that feeling of competence that can yield some courage to facing it again in the future.
Safely approaching regret
Regret can serve it’s purpose and pass along on it’s way if we find ways to safely experience it and drop the oh-so- tempting struggle to avoid it. Here are some steps that can help face and integrate regret without resorting to avoidance or reactivity.
Pause before acting. When regret shows up, notice the urge to immediately fix or erase it. Instead of reacting, give yourself a pause. Take a breath. Remind yourself that strong emotions often settle on their own, and you don’t have to respond right away.
Name the feeling. Sometimes we mistake regret for guilt or shame, which could be in there too. If you don’t know if it’s regret or something else, you can guess: “This seems like regret.” Or you can name the sensations you are experiencing. Giving the feeling and physical experience a name creates a bit of distance and helps you remember it’s a temporary state, not a verdict on your worth.
Check for the story you’re telling yourself. Notice thoughts that arise. Regret often comes with a harsh inner monologue: “I ruined everything,” or, “I should have known better.” Step back and notice what story your mind is spinning. Is it focusing only on the worst possible interpretation? Could there be more nuance to what happened?
Practice self-compassion. What would you say to a friend feeling this way? Regret often leads us to talk to ourselves in ways we’d never speak to someone else. Try extending the same kindness you’d offer another person who made a mistake or had a hard moment. Remember that regret is an emotion we are designed to feel, and that many people at this very moment are also experiencing it.
Ground in the present moment. Regret drags us into the past, but you can bring yourself back to now. Simple grounding techniques, such as feeling your feet on the floor or naming colors you can see, can help break the cycle of mental time travel.
Learn, but don’t linger. It’s okay to reflect on what happened and see if there’s something to learn. With regret, one thing we may tune into is the value or priority that was affected by our actions. Tuning into the value can help stay out of blame territory and focus on corrective or learning action. This can be contained by the act of setting an appointment and/or journaling and making a concrete plan. The key is to do this once the initial wave of emotion has passed, so it doesn’t turn into endless rumination or self-punishment.
Remember that life is iterative. Mistakes are evidence of living life. Over time, we get closer and closer to meaning and competence by trying things out and failing. We cannot try new things without eventually getting something wrong. We do not ever have full mastery over everything. Many of the happiest people are lifelong learners, which means they are veterans of making mistakes.
Seek support if needed. If regret keeps pulling you into compulsions or anxiety spirals, consider talking it through with a trusted friend or therapist. Sometimes emotions feel too big to handle alone at first, and that’s okay.
